As I sit and write this it is two days before my daughter’s 22 nd birthday. It is also the first birthday I have had to survive since she took her life. Sarah was a bright and shining light in our family. You would never meet anyone kinder or more caring. She was a gifted writer and an amazing student with a genius level IQ. Her life seemed charmed, but mental illness derailed all the dreams she had for herself and certainly the dreams we had for her, mostly that she have a long and prosperous life.

The first eighteen years of Sarah’s life “seemed” fairly uneventful and “normal.” As an educator and mother of a child with mental illness I use the term normal very cautiously. Sarah was always our eccentric child who questioned everything and sometimes had very unusual ideas. She was always incredibly independent and hated asking for help. This would become her downfall, as she had to deal with mental illness. We considered her very creative and innovative. She set very high standards for herself that were often unrealistic. Even in elementary school, she was never satisfied with her projects. She would obsess and spend more time completing things than the other children her age. She had imaginary friends as a young child, but only briefly. I will explain this more later. She taught herself to read before she started school. She was reading at a seventh or eighth grade level in the first grade. We were always proud of her accomplishments, but they were never as important to us as Sarah the person was. Unfortunately, Sarah was never happy with her own progress in life. She felt she could always do more and do it better.

As a senior in high school Sarah became anxious and began being very consumed about her appearance. She reacted to the 9/11 bombings with incredible fear and was consumed with fear for her boyfriend, father and brother and the potential threat that faced them if we went to war. It took a few weeks but she seemed to come to grips with her thoughts. She began throwing herself into a fitness program to get ready for prom in the spring. She finished her senior year graduating with honors, attending prom, and continuing in her job as a childcare provider for our local school district. Again everything “seemed normal.” A few weeks after graduation, Sarah came to us and confessed that she had become bulimic. We sought medical attention and began treatment. Little did we know that that was only the beginning. She was treated with antidepressants and later told us that she had also been depressed and that she was feeling better.

During the summer before she started college, a terrible tragedy occurred that rocked our community. A mother killed her 3 children, attempted to kill her estranged husband then killed herself. I had taught the children at our local school and Sarah had babysat them. This was a senseless act that can never be explained. Sarah became very depressed and needed to know why this mom had done this. At the children’s’ funeral service she began hyperventilating, and was overwhelmed. This was atypical behavior for my child that always liked to be in control.

That fall Sarah began college in our hometown. She was getting good grades and enjoyed her classes. The end of September one of her lifelong best friends was killed in another senseless tragedy, an alcohol related auto accident. Sarah was devastated. She was angry with the drunken boyfriend who killed her friend, but she was also guilty that she had not spent more time with her friend prior to the accident. In response Sarah became severely depressed and stopped attending classes. She began binge drinking and landed in the hospital. This is when she was diagnosed as bi-polar. That was the first time we left our baby in a psychiatric ward. We would become proficient at this over the next three years. Sarah was relieved to have a diagnosis at first. She said it explained how she had felt her whole life. She reminded me about her imaginary friends as a child. When she told me about the friend’s voices, I told her they were imaginary and she knew as a 4 year old that it was not normal. She never told me about the “voices” again. She also told me that she would sit in her closet and sob because she was so sad at times. She always wondered why she felt that way. With treatment involving medication, psychiatric care and counseling, Sarah improved enough to return to school the following fall. She did well and transferred to a university about 45 minutes from home. She was very excited to be going away to school. Her doctor felt she was ready for it. The first month she was at school she did fabulous, and then things started to fall apart for her. She was afraid she could not keep up the great start she had so she stopped going to classes, stopped taking her meds, and slipped further into manic-depressive behavior. She asked for help, but did not really follow the help given and she began to resent this illness she had been cursed with. She wrote poetry to express herself during her illness. Here is one she wrote in June 2004.

The Lost Girl With The Sweet Smile

If you see the lost girl with the sweet smile, tell her I miss her

I hope she’s just somewhere sleeping, unable to stir

I miss her rich laughter that used to ring out loud

And the way she liked to paint pictures with each white cloud

Her eyes always danced with rays of dazzling light

Flowing with many dreams, hoping to soon take flight

She radiated a soft innocence that makes me weep these days

For I longingly miss her in so Many ways

Yet now she’s gone, and I’m scared I’ll never find her

And I ache as her pure face starts to fade into a mere blur

So if you see the lost girl with the sweet smile, please lead her to me

So we can walk hand in hand together, and once again be free

Two weeks before finals she called us and said she was suicidal and that she needed us to come help her. When we arrived she was psychotic and we had to have the police intervene in order to get her to the hospital. She received inpatient care for a week then went into an outpatient day program for a month. This was a revolving cycle of care for the next 9 months. Sarah had her meds everyday and was taken to doctor appointments by family members. In spite of the care she was receiving, she continued to decline. She heard voices, had terrifying nightmares, was controlled by fears she had not had in the early years of her life, and had manic episodes, but she was mostly burdened with debilitating depression. She lost the ability to take care of her basic needs. It was almost impossible to get her out of bed, she would go hungry instead of preparing herself a meal, and was afraid to drive. Her depression was so severe in spite of massive doses of medications that she had suicidal thoughts daily. She called me at least 3 times telling me she was suicidal and I needed to come stop her. Her dad and I would seek immediate care. On October 25, 2004 in a severe mania she began gulping pills she found in our house. Her sister stopped her and she was hospitalized. After a day in a coma, she came back to us and again continued the regimen of care for her bi-polar. We took each day as it came. Her dad and I used all our leave being there to support her. We kept medications locked up and hidden and all sharp objects were locked away so that Sarah could not have access. Things seemed to be moving along in a very slow but positive direction for Sarah when out of the blue she overdosed on February 18, 2005. She died the next day.

Here are a few of Sarah’s final words to us in a letter written the day she overdosed:

I have been hanging on by a thread and I guess the thread snapped.

I hate myself. I have such a good family- it shouldn’t be like this. I love you all deeply…

I’m tired of disappointing you and I’m scared I could never make you proud…

Love, Sarah

In truth Sarah continues to make us proud even today. She was a remarkable young woman and we were so blessed to have her with us for 21 years. Our only disappointment is that she is gone. Mental illness and Sarah forever changed our lives.

From left to right: Sarah, dad Bill, brother Billy, Mom Cheryl, Twin sisters Megan and Jenny